Emotional Ahimsa

This is a four-part article:

Emotional Violence.

On a deeper level, ahimsa deals with emotional harm. Like physical harm, this can be divided into other- and self-directed actions.

Emotional harm directed towards others may include emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, using emotions like guilt or fear to manipulate others, etc. We need not search long to find relationships, romantic and otherwise, in which cycles of emotional harm are perpetuated: a husband who always criticizes and verbally abuses his wife, a mother who uses guilt to control her children, a woman who uses sexuality for material gain (or, conversely, a man who uses his material means for sexual indulgence).

This type of violence is the result of fear and imbalanced perception. Codependent relationships fill a gap. Often, we attempt to use others as tools to avoid confronting fears. Motivating factors include fears of being alone or abandoned, lack of emotional or material support, not being good/worthy enough, or feeling superior to others. All action that stems from fear results in violence.

Emotional violence can also be self-directed. This is associated with your self-image and how you view yourself in relation to others. If you perceive yourself as either more or less deserving, capable, equal, lovable, culpable or good than others in your life, this is a sure sign of the tendrils of violence. A perfectionist might hold themselves to much higher standards than they hold others to, or he may act out of a need to prove himself deserving of love: a form of self-harm. A chronic procrastinator might view other people as being in some way more qualified than they are or be unwilling to fail (a closet perfectionist!). A particularly relevant case is the individual who ignores emotional or physical pain because he or she is “strong enough to push through it.” As mentioned above, this simply creates more problems rather than solving them.

Guilt is a very pervasive form of self-harm. This emotion results from one’s actions not being aligned with an expectation of the actions that should have been taken. Guilt has a perceived value as being a motivator for “correct” behavior, but in the teaching of Yoga, action ought stem not from guilt, pity, etc, but rather from a sense of compassion or a desire of liberation. I believe that there is a healthier and more effective way to deal with actions that are in some way not aligned with our values. Rather than feeling guilt and negative emotion, we can recognize an excellent chance to explore our needs and motivations that resulted in the action in the first place. Reveling in guilt will only serve to further bury the cause of these actions, perpetuating negative patterns of thought and action.

The Stone of Guilt in the River of the Mind, the block in the flow of intelligence.
-Paramahamsa Nithyananda

Guilt can also be caused by taking action that is not aligned with the values or expectations of someone else, usually a parent, partner, or peer. In this case, indulging in guilt will allow harm to both yourself and the other party by perpetuating an unhealthy relationship. Although easier said than done, do not pass up this opportunity to explore differences in values and find a common understanding, ultimately resulting in a much more fulfilling relationship. The hardest part is taking the first step, allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

To practice ahimsa means not just restraint from directly causing harm, but to go further through the process of identifying the roots of our emotional needs and dealing with the seeds of negativity at their source, before they sprout as manifest harm. We must examine our assumptions about reality and how relationships do and ought to work, and actively cultivate qualities that negative violence in ourselves and others. These qualities include compassion, empathy, generosity, etc.

Although everyone is responsible for their own emotional state, we are also responsible for the impact we have on others. If someone is offended or angry at us, that is a result of their own circumstances and samskaras, but there is a significant chance that we may have played some role in their reaction. This is not always the case, but it is always worth exploring, not only to make peace, but also because it can highlight areas within our own consciousness or behavior that are not serving our goals. Patanjali elaborates on the practice of ahimsa by telling us that

Hostility is eliminated in the presence of one firmly established in ahimsa.
-Y.S. 2.35

One of the ways that this manifests is that the yogi acts empathetically, out of concern for the other being, never out of defensiveness or anger. Take what steps you can to help others experience nonviolence and peace. It’s not your burden to help everyone, and trying to change people can create many problems. Act compassionately, be generous with your heart.

Exercise: What makes you feel guilty? Is there someone in your life that triggers negative emotions in you? Now make a list of reasons why you think this reaction occurs. This is not about diagnosing whether the other person is right or wrong or whether your action is justified, but rather an exploration of your own mental processes. There is something to learn here. If you’re feeling guilty, what is the “rule” you broke? What motivated you to do that? Is the “rule” valid? Was your motivation valid?

I am very interested in nutrition, food politics, and food psychology, so a relevant application of this to me is food choice. Our food choices often induce guilt. Here’s an example:

Action: Eating double dark chocolate ice cream.

“Rule” that has been broken: I have a goal to be healthy, and my action contradicted that goal.

Guilt: Why wasn’t I a little stronger? This little treat wasn’t worth it. Ugh! I’m disgusted with myself.

So let’s dig a little deeper…

Underlying Mechanism: My friends were eating it, and I wanted to fit in (need for acceptance/companionship).

Motivation: I had a need for emotional support that I attempted to meet by food choice.

Lesson: Instead of feeling guilty about eating, this decision has served to highlight a deeper need that was not being fulfilled: support from my friends. This isn’t necessarily because of anything they’re doing, it’s my perception. I had a hard day at work, and I’m feeling a bit alone and tired. I could tell my friends how grateful I am for them. I know they wouldn’t judge me if I passed on dessert.

This is a four-part article: